Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Self-defiance, Jukai, and the end of Midlifemonkeygirls

Emerson wrote about self-reliance, I want to talk about self-defiance.

It's been almost two months since I've posted. I've been swamped with life these days though there's really no excuse to stop writing in my blog. I mean, even I know by now that writing is good for me. I always feel better after writing, not to mention there is always something to write about. But I've been battling my inner defiance lately, which is just plain silly. Basically, by not writing loyally in my blog, I have been cutting my nose off to spite my face. Or - cutting my zen off to spite my no-self (sorry for the bad zen joke, can't help myself at times).

But seriously, I tend to get into this messed up head space where I spite myself. Silly me. Then, it becomes this "thing", this whole not writing in my blog. Oh, I'll write in it this weekend, I tell myself, and then I don't. But the realization I've come to recently is that it's time for me to move on from this blog. Now don't panic, my readership of twelve, I'm not leaving the blogosphere, just this blog. I mean, when you think about it, the starting point of this blog was two years ago when I declared my midlife crisis. But now it's safe to say that I'm out of my midlife crisis. You just need to refer to my original post from (almost to date) two years ago to see.

Today, my crises are problems of abundance. I am now working, living in my own place in Oakland, have my dog back, and am officially in a relationship - with a woman my age! But, of course, the biggest shift has been my spiritual practice. On Saturday, I will celebrate my Buddhist practice by taking the precepts in a jukai ceremony at the Zen Center. I have been diligently sewing my rakasu for months now, and will receive it formally from my teacher after he writes my Buddhist name on the back of it.

Hence, I thought that this would be an appropriate time to end my blog - and start a new one (in the near future). There 's so much I want to say... but I think I will hold off on that for now. I will keep you all posted about my next blog. For its title, I am leaning towards Butch Buddhist. We'll see.

There are no goodbyes, though I do want to thank you for supporting my blog. It has been nice to know that there are a few of you out there who support my path, as well as a few anonymous people out there who are simply curious enough to read about my daily happenings here.

Meanwhile, here are some pics I took from my porch tonight. It was a hot one in Oakland tonight, but at least the sunset was equally blistering. And, of course, there's always Sadie...


  1. wow. such a crazy mix of feelings! I hate goodbyes! But such lovely pics. Yeah my attention spans galaxies. I love that you're ready to do something new however. I have a pretty happy feeling about you strolling off into the sunset in oakland. sounds nice actually. But I've learned so much here! I don't even understand half the zen stuff but still... its been a great trip. I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy you're happy, and changes are good. I just have a hard time letting go. Sounds like I need some zen of my own.

  2. Awwww, ra, thanks for your sweet comment. Ah, yes, letting go, not easy, not fun. But there are no goodbyes, right? ( ;

  3. Keep blogging---you know how good writing is for you. It truly is the best therapy!

  4. Here I am thinking this morning about how we be community...

    I'll just keep checking in from time to time to see if you ever get around to starting another blog, but sometimes the writing happens in different ways.

    Write your name in water....

  5. Just found your blog and I really hope you will start writing again! I'll keep checking back

  6. Hi Jenna,

    Thanks for your comment. I have a new blog: